What is it that you find makes your head churn. For me it is injustice, unfounded accusations and of course that nasty feeling of powerlessness.

It is easy to identify the root cause of my obsession for the first two. In a childhood environment where I was predominantly the black sheep, or I’d rather believe the explorer, I was often found to be guilty. In trouble, and constantly hiding or on the defense. In adulthood as I have grown through these childhood struggles, I have learnt more about myself and my ability to both address issues as they arise, take responsibility where necessary and apologize when needed. But what is it about powerlessness that affects me so. That turns my head round and round. For me it is the inevitable feeling of not being able to fix something and in that the spiral into childlike guilt of having done something wrong. This can happen in the smallest and biggest circumstances. Whether as a mother, leader or therapist, my need to be in control of an outcome is paramount.

Life of course has taught me the answer that no matter how much we want, need or strive for control, we are very much at the mercy of others, of other things and can never control the outcome. Why not, because it isn’t up to us and never was.

So my obsession has led me down a slippery slope again and what I have learnt that helps is three things –
1 talk about it so that you are not in your head and your struggle alone
2 distract yourself so that you are not constantly going over the same thing
3 let it go

So when I think of covid 19, I am learning to talk about my anxiety, my fears, my disappointment over 2020. My loss of time with family and friends, my struggles as a small business owner waiting on airports to open, loss of freedom of movement and the life I had started to build. I’ve learnt to distract myself through walking, playing, spending time with my family, reading, listening to music and just being in a moment. And lastly the point that is hardest to master, to let go. To believe that I am not in control but that someone is. Someone greater than me, someone that has a plan for my life, someone that has my back.
What are you obsessing over?
Can you like me learn to let it go…? I still get stuck in the cycle and it is easier now as I know where the core roots lay bare, but letting go is where we need to practice, pray and pursue a freedom from our thoughts that haunt us and take us into a paralyzing state of fear.